Commandant: “Hollywood ‘Marines’ must report to Parris Island for re-training"

Parris Island, S.C. – In a move sure to send shockwaves throughout an already divided Corps; Gen Neller has released a controversial “white letter” message to Marines, marking a rocky start to his tenure as Commandant.

In the memo the Commandant states that, effective immediately, all Marines who received their entry level training at Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego are to report to Parris Island to be re-trained. He further directs Headquarters Marine Corps to initiate a scan on all Marines’ training records to determine who was trained at the faulty Depot. Finally, the Commandant issued that all San Diego, or “Hollywood,” Marines be reclassified as “almost Marines” until their formal training is complete.

“There’s going to be a lot of logistics that goes into a massive training reengagement like this, but we’re confident that our leaders at every level are going to be able to rise to the task,” a spokesman from HQMC stated. He continued, “Ultimately it’s all in line with the Commandant’s vision of reawakening the Marine Corps.”

The Corps intends to realize this vision by the end of FY17 by cycling Marines from the Fleet Marine Force through training companies at the Recruit Depot. Some are skeptical that this is a realistic goal, however. A high ranking officer in the Pentagon, wishing to remain anonymous, told us: “There is no chance in hell they make that deadline. You’ve got thousands of Marines stationed at the fringe of the empire in Okinawa. Add to that, you expect thousands more to take the fight to the cyber front? It’s just not going to happen.”

Despite the concerns, many Marines are excited about the challenge. PFC Fowler, a recent graduate from San Diego, stated that he was motivated to go back to boot camp. “Parris Island is where the real Marines train. At San Diego, we got weekend liberty and our Drill Instructors took us to San Diego Padres games. That’s not the experience I was looking for when I signed up.” PFC Fowler continued, at parade rest, “If Parris Island is good enough for ‘Manila John Basilone,’ then it’s good enough for me.”

This marks the first time that HQMC has finally weighed in on the long standing dispute between which Recruit Depot yielded higher quality Marines. A pending MarAdmin will provide amplifying information on what the Marine Corps intends to do with the base in San Diego, but sources tell us it’s slated to be demolished to make room for the San Diego municipal dog park.

Ultimately, there is a long road ahead for the thousands of Marines that anxiously await re-training and re-entry into the regular Marine Corps. But with “reawakening” being the buzzword, there’s never been a better time.