Washington, D.C. - In a move intended to standardize the Department of Defense's growing cyber concerns, Congress has unanimously approved a decision to create an additional branch to the Armed Services focused on the cyber domain.
A Pentagon spokesperson explained, "This is going to allow us to centralize all our cyber assets. The Air Force is going to get hit pretty hard since they've been advertising a robust cyber capability to pretend to be relevant."
The U.S. Air Force does indeed stand to lose the most, arguably. One beltway insider explained, "The Air Force is basically pointless. Taking away their cyber assets is really going to call into question what they even provide for the U.S. at all anymore."
Soldiers of the digital front, or "Cyber Warriors," have long since been a fixture of the battlefield. In 1983, for example, Matthew Broderick almost accidently started World War III by hacking into NORAD computer systems thinking he was involved in an online Role Playing Game. 12 years later, the infamous hacker "Zero Cool" was involved in an online conspiracy designed to pay out rival hacker "The Plague" with embezzled funds.
"Cyber Warriors are now formally joining the elite ranks in which they serve," our spokesperson continued. "Statistically they've proven to be more combat effective than your straight leg infantry types. I've awarded more Combat Action Ribbons to these guys than anyone else. It's simple really; they can activate wall hacks, aim bot, and other tricks that your grunts just don't have access to."
There are plenty of challenges ahead for the new Cyber Corps, such as whether the camouflage uniform will be "Death Screen Blue" or
"Matrix Black" with a repeating pattern of ones and zeroes. Ultimately the decision should be advantageous to a post war military looking to stay relevant at all costs.
No comments:
Post a Comment