DoD announces anyone under 21 using tobacco will be arrested... immediately

Washington, D.C. - In a shocking piece of legislation right before the new year, the federal government approved a new law which raised the smoking age to 21 across all 50 states.

What this means for many service-members will be devastating.

Currently over 30% of service members report using tobacco on a regular basis. Broken down by branch, the results are even worse:

Over 62% of Marines aged 20 and under report having “hit the vape” in the last 24 hours. A fact many will cringe at in coming years.

The pentagon has already announced that it will begin prosecuting cases of underage smoking effective immediately. Vaping will, of course, be no exception.

“The policy is currently being worked into the UCMJ” a spokesman for the pentagon told us.

“We are going back on forth on the repercussions but one thing we all agree on is that they MUST be strict in order to convince these kids to stay away from dangerous tobacco products.”

One such recommendation is simple: do tobacco? Do 10 years in the brig. 20 years if caught dealing tobacco products to underage service members.

Other recommendations have suggested a more tiered approach. Six months per cigarette caught in one’s possession, three years for “hitting the vape” and five years for smoking harder drugs such as heroin.

Regardless of outcome, vape companies are scrambling by all accounts to stay relevant and appeal to anyone over the age of 12.

Citing Lack of NFL Interest, Johnny Manziel to Join Marines

Austin, TX - Sources within the Marine Corps recruiting community, as well as close friends to Johnny Manziel, have anonymously confirmed the former football star's desire to forego his NFL free agency in search of a career in the Armed Forces.

This wouldn't be the first time that a professional athlete has walked away from the limelight to pursue a military career. In 2015, Yankees Pitcher CC Sabathia was mandated by the team to join up, "or else." While unusual, it does represent a modern trend of celebrities willing to sacrifice fame and fortune in pursuit of a nobler cause.

"I think it's a great way to represent Texas and specifically A&M" stated Texas A&M alumnus and self proclaimed Johnny "Football" superfan Thomas Oattoter. The superfan additionally ensured to remind the reporter of his A&M ring every thirty seconds.

Sources close to Johnny think it represents a step in the right direction for him.

"I think he's really growing up. I'm excited to see him knock this one out of the park. He'll probably end up being the Platoon Guide since he went to A&M and all," a friend stated.

Even Johnny Football himself was supposedly quoted as saying "I don't give a shit if I'm tossing rocks on the field or sending hot rounds into taleban heads. I just want to get back in the action."

With summer boot camp dates quickly filling up, the former QB will have to score at least eight pullups on the Physical Fitness Test. His last practice PFT indicated he was currently at three pullups.

Sure the SECDEF is great, but can he tell why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Washington, D.C. - The Department of Defense has been rocked by turmoil induced by a recent social media scandal. In response, the heads of various defense agencies are going out of their way to prove that they can compete in the digital arena just as effectively as young troops.

"I think we are at a point now where we need to be able to speak to the younger generation and show that, 'hey, we're cool too just like you kids!'" a Public Affairs Officer with the Pentagon disclosed.

The "fellow kids" strategy is bold, but not without precedent. In 2013, a senior Air Force general was scrutinized for dissiminating excessive amounts of "pokes" on Facebook. Air Force policy has since been revised to characterize such behavior as harassment.

The Secretary of Defense recently released a statement on the matter: "I want to be perfectly clear. You little shits aren't going to out maneuver me in the cyber domain. That's MY turf, fuckers."

"I will find out who is posting dumb shit online. And I can promise you that I will not hesitate to break off my keyboard in your freaking brain housing group," the SECDEF continued.

The statement has many young troops on edge. Despite the Secretary's pledge to "take the fight to the trolls," many are concerned that more senior leaders may be out of touch.

"Sure, he's learning the lingo and I get that he wants to appeal to my generation... but I can't help shake the feeling that he has no idea how to use social media," one youth commented.

A recent DoD wide survey may even validate such concerns. Beyond internet usage, senior military leaders were largely unable to connect with entry level service members on a large array of social issues. Namely, zero general officers interviewed were able to identify sugar as being the leading factor in kids' insatiable urge to consume unreasonable amounts of the popular breakfast cereal "cinnamon toast crunch."

"If the big dogs don't even know what kind of breakfast we're eating, how can we trust them to solve this fiasco?" A PFC stated in an interview.

Ultimately the clock is ticking on an official DoD response to the rash of online misbehavior. Ideally, these concerns will be put to rest pending a future "Anti-Troll Coalition."

Marine Wrongly Identified as Powerball Winner Makes Awkward Return to Unit

Camp Pendleton, CA - An Oceanside, California, based Marine is trying to make amends with fellow platoon members after a less than desirable exit last week.

Lance Corporal Johnson incorrectly believed that he had won the Powerball lottery after a night of hard drinking and "reading the numbers upside down."

Most people would have taken the time in the morning to confirm their suspicions, but Johnson was convinced that he had won the overall prize, worth over a billion dollars.

"I remember him knocking on my hatch that night telling me to go 'fuck myself,'" a fellow squad member stated.

"He was out of control. Frankly we were all hoping he really had won so he would leave us alone."

The Marine's Platoon commander is less than thrilled with the departure; "I called LCpl Johnson the next morning to see if it was true, that he had won the lottery," Second Lieutenant Smith stated.

"All he had to say was, 'Fuck you. I'm rich. I don't have to listen you any more, jackass.'"

It wasn't until later in the week when Johnson got around to visiting the lottery office that he discovered the numbers didn't quite match up.

"Sadly this happens all the time. People see the numbers and just want to believe they match so badly," a state lottery representative stated.

"I remember the young man coming in with what he thought was a winning ticket, only to realize he was going to have to go back empty handed."

A last minute leave request was denied following the outburst.

"I wasn't about to reward this guy after that kind of fallout. He really needs to come back in and face the Marines," Johnson's Platoon Sergeant said.

Ultimately, the command hopes that this can be a learning experience for the junior Marines in the unit. "Hip pocket classes" on the lottery and professional behaviour are planned in conjunction with weekend safety briefs this Friday.

Outrage as White Marines Expected to Work on MLK Day

Camp Lejeune, NC - A controversial liberty plan for the Martin Luther King holiday weekend is raising some eyebrows across the DoD. Late Friday afternoon, leadership from II Marine Expeditionary Force made the call that black Marines throughout the command be given the day off, while Marines identifying as being Caucasian-American must report to work as usual in order to attend a "period of reflection."

"Ultimately we decided that our more 'Caucasian-American' Marines have been showing a lot of privilege lately that we are trying to reel in," a spokesman for the command stated.

Not everyone is enthusiastic about the guidance, however.

"This is racism! Plain and simple. If that's how it's gonna be, I'm just gonna change my race to "African-American" the next time I do an audit with S-1," an anonymous lance corporal stated.

Representatives from II MEF were quick to rebuff the criticism, however.

"Marines need to remember that this is a 'day on,' not a 'day off.' The fact that many marines are alleging racism, or as some say 'reverse racism,' just helps to drive the point home that a lot of folks are struggling with their privilege."

The plan even has some backing from some white marines as well.

"I think it's a great idea to tell you the truth. I mean, we all agree that slavery was bad. But really white micro-aggressions haven't stopped there. Hell, we'd be lying to ourselves if we said that that 'emo' wasn't totally a white thing," a Caucasian-American chief warrant officer from 2nd Marine Division explained.

Time will tell if this Liberty plan is going to be successful, but ultimately II MEF is excited to try an alternative Liberty model in line with the commandant's guidance that the marine corps be redesignated as a "fighting force," to a "social experiment."

DoD Plan to Weaponize Water Bulls Raising Eyebrows

Quantico, VA – A controversial Marine Corps plan to field an experimental modification to the M-149 Water Trailer is causing rifts among senior leadership. The trailer, also known to many as a “Water Bull,” has long been a source of hydration for troops in the field. Recent operational requirements, however, have indicated that it might be time to make the trailers a harder target.

"We take so many steps to protect our chow, ammunition, and fuel. Yet water is the most important thing to our survival, so why aren't we doing more to protect it?" A senior spokesperson with Marine Corps Systems Command stated. "It's not just about adding the turret; the plan to overhaul our fleet of water trailers comes with an extensive, and scalable, armor package as well."

The updated trailer, as pictured above, will require only minimal changes from maintainers in the Fleet Marine Force. "Basically the gunner climbs into the hatch up top, where the water goes in, and positions himself accordingly to engage targets," a senior maintenance official described. "The water will help keep the gunner cool while suppressing enemy targets."

A recent study showed that overheating was a lead cause of "gunner fatigue," for Marines utilizing traditional gun turrets. The plan to partially submerge gunners is expected to reduce heat casualties by over 75%. Some leaders, however, are not convinced that its the best use of the water contained in the trailer. "It's disgusting. I'm not going to allow my Marines to drink out of a water bull that's had a dude swimming in it for hours at a time," a Marine commander commented. "It makes me sick to think that the Marine Corps is even entertaining the thought of implementing this."

Trial runs are currently being conducted at The Basic School in Quantico, VA.

Commandant: 'Kerrying' Trend Needs to Stop

Washington, D.C. - First there was "owling," an internet trend where people posed for pictures while perched in often dangerous situations. The fad was followed by the wildly popular "Tebowing," named for the all time great Denver Broncos Quarterback. A new internet sensation, however, has the new Marine Commandant losing sleep.

It's called "Kerrying," and it's named for the U.S. Secretary of State, and Vietnam War veteran, John Kerry. The controversial act involves service members throwing away their hard earned military medals in public protest. Interestingly enough, however, is that Kerrying is not meant to protest any political situation, but rather the requirement to wear medals on the Dress Blues uniform to the Marine Corps Ball.

The Commandant recently issued a statement denouncing the behavior; "The Sergeant Major and I are committed to ending this heinous transgression. If we allow Marines to cast off tradition this easily, what else are they going to forego?"

Not all Marines are pleased with the General's resolution, however. "It's such bullshit that I have to wear my National Defense Medal to that ball! It's so much easier to go 'slick,'" Private First Class Alverez explained. "I've crunched the numbers, and the time it takes me to continuously mount that damn medal could be better spent preparing to get to the fight."

The rise in popularity of Kerrying can be traced to a pair of factors. Namely, Marines face increasing requirements to remain as expeditionary as possible. Additionally, Marines are often too lazy to take the five minutes required to put their medals on their uniform. The latter becomes increasingly important with the Marine Corps Ball coming next month.

More alarming is that the movement is not exclusive to junior troops. "The ball is incredibly lame. I hate having to put those stupid medals on. Who cares." A Marine Major explained, on condition of anonymity.

Currently a number of senior Marines are making it their mission to put a stop to what they perceive as a dangerous new fad. 1stSgt Thompson, a former Drill Instructor, explained, "My brain housing group can't even begin to process where this is coming from. If you rate awards, you will wear them. At the end of the day, we're Marines. It's who we are. It's what we do."